When I was younger, I didn’t notice boys until they noticed me.
For the longest time, I was just sort of ‘there’ in terms of the early elementary school ‘dating’ scene (because why not convince a bunch of runny-nosed kids that they need to be in relationships before the age of 12!). I was quiet. I did my work in class, wore most of the ‘right’ clothes, was known for being a pretty fast runner and was always reading. People were generally nice to me, and I avoided getting picked on by being relatively nice back. One of my first crushes was on a guy named Ben. We fell passionately in love after he gave me his Christmas goodie bag in class. Honestly, it was probably the most genuine relationship I’ve had before or since, which either tells you a lot about me as a person or society (please say society, I’m doing my absolute best).
Nowadays, dating sucks, especially if you’re a Romantic. Yes Romantic, capital ‘R’; fight me to the death in the pouring rain by light of the moon, win my heart with a rose after an epic reading of Beowulf kind of deal. As a self-proclaimed Sensitive Person who unironically says things like, ‘I’m really just looking for a kindred soul’ I’m having a little trouble finding a market in the dating scene with my Anne of Green Gables-level melodrama. For a while I was like, “I can be super chill. Yeah, I can make cool girl work for me!” and I’d lie back on my bed listening to Lana Del Rey, swiping mindlessly on Tinder until faces blurred before my eyes. Mostly, I’d end up having casual drinks with guys who, upon learning that I’m an art kid, said things like, “Yeah I play the guitar, we should totally duet” which translates roughly to, “I know like 2 chords of Stairway to Heaven. Wanna fuck?”.
And I was like, um whatever. I’m cool girl now. I totally want to hang with you and ‘the boys’ at your ugly apartment and dryly compliment your motorcycle while you stare at my boobs. Call me at 10 pm for ‘a movie’? sounds good, I’m chilllll. Gonna be late by an hour to the dinner I planned because you’re a 2 year old man-child with a bank account and generations worth of entitlement? No. Problem.
But the thing is, I’m absolutely NOT chill in any sense of the word. My heart is a turmoil of intense feeling. It’s the world around me rendered in razor sharp, double plus HD or whatever, with everything racing out at me at once and passing me by just long enough for me to overanalyse. If I like you, I literally cannot chill, and every day becomes an episode of The Office where I cast myself as Jim Halpert trying to woo my Pam. ‘Cause dude, what’s hotter than effort?
Apps like Tinder and Bumble allow for a more nonchalant approach to dating, which is fine if that’s what you want. But for the rest of us supressing our urge to write soliloquies and feel everything at once, swiping right on someone because they also play the bassoon, but can’t spend the time to go out with you properly, doesn’t satisfy. That all being said, I’m also deadly terrified of any sign of emotional stability in a potential partner and clam up as soon as they reach out because wait… is this real? No, it must be fake. Why would people spend time getting to know me if they weren’t going to try and mess me up? Do people just walk around knowing they deserve love and affection?
And back to the swiping I go, judging people literally at face value and hoping someday I'll be able to overcome my fear of actually getting close to any of them. Still, my profile is fire.